I’m driving along at a good clip in Lane 2, the next one over from the fast lane, when Pat in the car ahead of me decides it is absolutely imperative to take the next exit.  100 yards ahead.  Pat slams on the breaks so as to be sure to make some room to move to the right, I have to slam on my breaks, too.  Commence domino effect — and not just in my lane, but in all the remaining lanes that stand between Pat and Pat’s exit.  Nothing stands between Pat and Pat’s exit anymore than there was anything that used to stand between Brooke Shields and her Calvin’s.  Tots for reals, right?  Worse yet, if drivers don’t slow down to let Pat in, Pat just starts moving on into a space occupied by another driver, so that that driver has to back off or get in an accident.  Whatever.  That’s not about Pat, so it’s like so not important.  Duh.

Later that day, Pat decides that it is utterly crucial to make that freeway exchange on-ramp.  Word.  For reals.  Tots for reals.  So what if the solid white lines appear before Pat decides to swerve on over?  Whatever.  So what if to slow everyone else is forced, on pain of demolition, to slow down?  And ever.  So what if Pat cuts in front of people who were already in line for the exit?  And Pat’s supposed to care because…?  Is Pat willing to live with his or her error?  Dude, please.  Will Pat suck it up and find another way to reach the oh-so-important destination so as to not only follow the rules of the road, but also show a little courtesy?  Hells no!  Why?  Because all that really matters is Pat.  What Pat wants, right now, this very instant.  Pat will be gratified.  It is, after all, the American way, is it not?  Pat has the right to exit the freeway, just as Pat has the right to Botox and cable and electricity and a six-figure job and someone who’s totally devoted and happiness and a brand new hybrid and a green earth because it’s just so important these days and a plasma screen TV and pain killers and anti-anxiety medication and, and…

How does Pat know about this, right?  Well, that’s easy.  IT’S ALL ABOUT PAT.  One day, Pat’s best friend ever — no joke — went to the Kabbalah center.  Pat went along too, just after a combined Pilates and Bikram yoga session that has also begun to include ‘working the pole.’  That is so hot right now.  Pat had decided, after all, that it was time to get in touch with what’s really important: Pat.  That’s so true, isn’t it?  Pat was dazzled. ‘Oh, hello Me.  Wow, you’re kinda fabulous.  Does this red string make my butt look fat?  I’m serious!  For reals.  Well, enough about me.  What do you think of me?’

After learning everything there is to know about Kabbalah that afternoon — as with anything else worth knowing, it happens like that!  I know, right? — Pat hops onto the freeway and careens into the fast lane as I come up directly in back.  It so happens that Pat’s driving the same speed as the person in Lane 2, so I can’t move around Pat — I shouldn’t have to, but we can’t expect Pat to make way for a passing car.  That’s so true!  So, I’m behind Pat, who cruises along without a care in the world.  I flash my lights, tailgate, wave my hands around — in short, do everything any reasonable person would do when they want to use the passing lane for its designated purpose.  But then I remember: in order for there to be a passing lane, there must be cars to pass.  I mean, otherwise, it’s just dumb, right?  But since it’s all about Pat, there aren’t any other cars.  There’s just Pat, at one with Pat’s essential Patness.  Eventually, I get into Lane 2, and then cut Pat off as aggressively as possible — how else will Pat learn?  As I fly down the freeway, I glance in my rearview mirror.  Pat abides.  Ahimsa — Pat’s totally into karma, right?  In the fast lane.  That is so true.

The depth and breadth of Pat’s importance in this world is not restricted to freeways.  Pat’s profound urgency — but Pat’s still totally all at peace with the world, for reals — manifests on surface streets, too.  One day, like any other, Pat realizes at an intersection that a left turn has to be made on Melrose, now.  The fact that Pat is presently in the far right lane is neither her nor there.  Why?  Because, when it’s ALL about Pat, what else could be more important than an illegal lane change?  Laws?  Those are for other people.  Wait!  Other people don’t exist.  It’s all about Pat.  So, there must not be any laws.

And in this way, Pat has achieved oneness with the universe.  Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.  Domo arigato.  Ah, bliss.  Ah, Pat.  I know, right?  Tots for reals.